Burrito Liberation Front Declares Victory in Takeover Plot
Pao Café Owner Freed; Husband Shockingly Thanks Rebels for Experience
Newmarket, NH – “The reign of error has ended,” proclaimed El Chefé, leader of the Burrito Liberation Front, on the steps of the former Pao Café in Newmarket late this morning. “We have fulfilled our mission – to serve the finest burritos the Seacoast has ever tasted.”
In January, the BLF caused an uproar when it announced plans to take over a local eatery and serve only burritos. The accompanying manifesto held that “all burritos are not created equal” and proclaimed that the Seacoast had been suffering under a “flavorless regime.” At the beginning of February, local media reported on the ransacking of Newmarket’s beloved Pao Café, the kidnapping of owner Barbee Carano, and the pressing of her husband Matt and their staff into the service of the rebel faction.
Despite this trauma, the public warmly received the new establishment – which could be identified only by the word “BURRITO” stenciled over Pao’s signage. From the first day of operation, the crowds’ ravenous appetites forced BURRITO to lock its doors well before closing. Within a week, under the guise of a radical workers’ reform, the BLF communicated through Matt Carano that it would only serve its now acclaimed burritos from Friday through Sunday. Yet, this did not seem to temper the Seacoast’s enthusiasm for BURRITO’s monolithic menu.
As the month wore on, the staff of the former Pao Café settled into what Matt described as a “new normal.” Last Tuesday, he was able to successfully negotiate the release of Barbee after pledging his “everlasting fealty to the glory of the burrito.” Asked what this meant for the future of Pao, Matt thought for a moment, then declared, “We’re going to keep this Burrito Liberation going!” He went on to thank the BLF for their impact on his and Barbee’s life, and for the tips on what to do next time he’s in Stockholm.
As Matt wrapped up his comments, spectators realized that El Chefé and his comrades had quietly packed up their spatulas and vanished. A final cheer rang out, then everyone went back to eating.